A Surprising Method to Resolve Conflict

A client I’ll call Lisa sat in my office chair, tears of frustration and hurt streaming down her face. She was ruminating on an interaction with someone in her life that she continually had conflict with. The story was not new. In fact, many times she came to sit in my chair and story fondle the same woes over and over again until it made her meta blind. Lisa was clearly standing in her own way and continuing a pattern of allowing someone else to take her power.

I often talk about gratitude for its many positive benefits. Nothing brings more emotional awareness and presence than gratitude. However, it can also be a powerful tool when you feel stuck.

Lisa didn’t know what the problem was, only that it existed. She paid attention to her reaction, but not what was driving the reaction, and that cycle only perpetuated the frustration and pain. I asked her a simple question that changed everything.

Tell me why you are grateful for this person?

She looked at me, bewildered, and stated “there is NOTHING I am grateful for about _____.” Our sessions are a safe space, so I asked her to dig deeper. First there was anger. How can I be grateful when all she does it hurt me? However, like an onion, layer by layer we peeled back the stories to reveal the cause of her suffering. Lisa discovered she was grateful for this person challenging her because it helped her identify what she values most. Gratitude helped her find her own value; enough to have the difficult conversation about what is important to her. While it seems counterintuitive, finding gratitude for the person Lisa was in conflict with was the tool that helped her become clear on how she felt and what she wanted.

While there was still conflict from time to time, Lisa was able to approach each situation through the lens of gratitude. It didn’t fix the situation - expressing gratitude for another person doesn’t change their behavior - but it certainly helped her show up responsive, emotionally regulated and gave her the ablility to put healthy emotional boundaries in place. Lisa became empowered with the role she played in the relationship.

Are there certain people you have difficulty expressing gratitude to?

If the answer is yes, take a hard look at the relationships you have with these individuals. Journal about what they trigger in you. Don’t write about what they do or say, write about the thoughts and emotions the interactions bring up for you. As you unwind the hurt, try shifting into gratitude for that person. It can uncover unresolved emotions and move the conversation to a deeper level.