Unpopular (But True): Not Everyone Wants You to Get Better

Why personal growth often makes the people around you uncomfortable, and why you should do it anyway.

Five days into January, I embarked on a 21-day physical cleanse. It included a complete nutritional shift - nutrient dense fruits and vegetables, protein, supplementation, and the elimination of sugar, grains, and alcohol, as well as a gallon of water a day. This is not my first time on this journey, nor my last.

It was a tough transition after the gluttony of the holidays. Having a major sweet tooth, it was hard to find the discipline to turn down a cookie or a cocktail, but it was necessary, and my body was more than ready for it. The inflammation caused by these foods alone sent my autoimmune symptoms into overdrive, and I wasn’t showing up as my best self…for anyone.

There is something to be said for the second brain, the gut, and if not fed well, meaning full of processed, highly inflammatory foods, it will affect the mind. One affects the other unequivocally. Clean up the gut, you clean up the mind. I’ve tested this time and again, and it’s true.

Day three or four in the timeline of the cleanse is usually the hardest with withdrawal symptoms kicking in, but by day seven, I’m adjusted well enough to stave off the cravings. By day 21, the inflammation is down, my skin is hydrated and clear, and my mind is sharp. The mental fog, body aches, and irritability are gone, and I feel fucking amazing. Yes, the f bomb is for emphasis because it truly feels that good. I’m always wondering why I don’t do this more often.

Where am I going with all of this? What I’ve noticed is that while it feels amazing, choosing to self-improve doesn’t always go over well with your circle. Why would you do that is the question I’m asked most frequently. My answer is always the same…there is only so much mental work you can do to improve yourself before you have to take a hard look at how your lifestyle choices affect you, and that includes nutrition. I’m a person of personal growth. I don’t want to stay stagnant, so I try new things. Hard things. Because it makes me better.

What generally happens is that people leave you alone for 21 days. No invites for happy hour or dinner parties. Don’t invite her, she’s on a cleanse. She can’t eat or drink anything. Which isn’t true, right, but I’m choosing not to eat or drink what everyone else may be.

After it ends, the question often asked by friends and me is what happens next? Am I going to keep up this new lifestyle protocol, or will I return to “normal”? Last June, I went through this three-week process, and then I immediately jumped into a schedule full of kid activities and travel. Trying to keep up with super clean eating on the go wasn’t ideal because the habits were too new. So I went back to normal eating, which included indulging in my vices of sugar and alcohol. The collective (my community) was ok with that choice. No change.

This time, I’m choosing differently. What would happen beyond 21 days if I continued to keep these changes and consider this new way “normal” and indulging reserved for special occasions versus the status quo? I was willing to try.

This is the best I have ever felt. Ever. I intend to stay this way. But the collective is resistant. I receive unsolicited advice about what I should be doing instead. I’m told I look too skinny. The eyes roll at a potluck because I don’t eat many of the options. There is peer pressure to eat junk or have a drink. It won’t hurt. Have a little fun. A rebellion against my being healthy or the idea that I feel I’m in some way better than anyone else.

Honestly, I’m a bit stunned by the response. In reflecting on this with my partner, it occurred to me that I have unintentionally set a boundary, and what happens when you set a boundary? People push back.

So it begs the question, why? This is my choice, not theirs. There is a harsh reality that many people don’t want to face when interacting with someone on a personal growth journey. They don’t like the mirror that is being held up. It induces insecurity. It’s not about me at all. It is much easier when you stay on the same level as everyone else. The personal demons can then stay hidden in the closet.

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t feel good. Why can’t there be room for both? Personal healthy choices with support, whether or not they join you.

The antidote to this conundrum? Tell no one, at least, in the beginning.

Confidence building requires action. When you are trying something new, your confidence level is lower. You are building skill, courage, and discipline, and as you continue to take action, you gain evidence that it’s working. You know you are on the right track, and your confidence goes up. With strengthened confidence, it’s time to share, because you’ll be better equipped to handle the resistance.

Here’s the truth. No one who isn’t ready to be on their own journey wants you to be better. Choose to be better anyway. That is your business, and it is their business to decide what to do with their discomfort. It is not yours to own.

If you look at history, all the changemakers were reclusive and considered crazy. They had wild ideas, forged ahead when they were told it would never work, tried being talked out of it, but they created masterpieces the world needed anyway. They knew to tell no one before it was time. Being a changemaker requires you to quiet the noise. Not because the ones you love don’t believe in you. They do, they don’t want their own inadequacies on display.

So let them try to tell you not to grow and do it anyway. This is for you, and you are the only one who knows what is best for you. One day, they will circle back when they are ready.

May your days be forever wild,

Abby