Unpopular (But True): No One Is Thinking About You

And the sooner you believe it, the freer you become.

In May 2001, I was set to take the stage and give the commencement speech at my college graduation. Months earlier, I had been voted in by the student body as senior class president, which surprised me, given that I am an introvert who spent most of my time keeping to myself. How did they even know who I was?

In addition to raising funds and procuring a class gift to the university, another duty of the president was to give a speech at graduation. A task that terrified and thrilled me equally. Giving speeches had already been a ribbon winning endeavor. My first speech was “Those Darn Eggs,” which won a purple ribbon, the highest achievement, at the county fair. However, this speech was set to be in front of hundreds of my classmates, professors, and their families. A far cry from a handful of people in my 4H club.

With the daunting task ahead of me, I spent months agonizing and obsessing over exactly what to say. What does one say to inspire the future and close out one of the greatest chapters of our lives? How did I become the chosen one for such a task? At the time, “Wear Sunscreen” was gaining in popularity, and that only made my anxiety heighten. Could I possibly write something just as good? I was naive to think that I could. I wrote and rewrote it without letting anyone else edit or read it, which the student advisor found frustrating. I was too afraid it would be criticized beyond repair. In hindsight, it was a bad idea.

Finally, the day arrived, graduation, and I was ripe with nerves. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or look like a fool in front of my professors. Did she learn anything these last four years? I was scheduled to speak towards the beginning of the program, which meant I didn’t have to sit in my pool of sweat and agony for long.

As I took my place at the podium, I looked out at the sea of faces staring at me in anticipation of what I was about to say, and my mind exploded in thought of all the ways the audience was turning on me in their minds. My fear was driven, not by what I was going to say, but by what other people were going to think of me.

Then it was over. Was it any good? Who knows. Looking back on the experience now, the only thing I remember about that day was being so concerned about what everyone thought of me. Did they think I was a good writer and a good speaker? Did they think I looked ok, did I hold their attention? Did I inspire them to think? Or did I totally tank it and look like an idiot? And, of course, the litany of thoughts about what I should have said differently after I took my seat.

I found that speech buried in a memory box a few years ago. I read it, cringing as I thought about how stupid I felt that day and how much I thought people walked away with a negative impression of me because my nerves took precedence over the presentation. I still couldn’t recall the message of the speech.

To this day, I still worry about how other people will interpret me as I stand before them, about to teach a class on mindset or run an Equus workshop. At times, it leads to paralysis. I’ve heard Brenè Brown talk about the paralyzing fear of standing on stage and feeling judged. It is human nature, and that makes me feel less alone in it.

We’ve all felt it. Walking into a restaurant as every head turns in your direction. Standing before a group of people, however small, heart hammering as you wait to speak. Being the uncomfortable center of attention at a party someone has thrown in your honor. And underneath all of it, the voices. Why is she wearing that? I wouldn’t have said that. That is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. Who does she think she is?

But here is the truth — no one is actually thinking about you.

It took me a long time to figure this out, and truth be told, I’m still learning this lesson. We innately want to fit in, so pushing back requires practice. Back in coaching school with Martha Beck, I remember being blown away one day in class when she started talking about judgment. She said, when you have a client sitting in front of you, and they are criticizing or judging someone, that becomes your area of focus.

Sure, I thought, what they are saying becomes the relationship or challenge to coach on. Then she went on to say the opposite of what I thought: criticism and judgment have nothing to do with the person they are projected at, but everything to do with the client themselves. What? Mind blown. Tell me more.

When we see something in other people we don’t like, it’s actually a mirror for what we don’t like in ourselves. Something inside of us is threatened or exposed, and that feels way too vulnerable to acknowledge, so we push those feelings onto other people. With that in mind, certainly there are people out there who think the same about us. Let that sink in.

If I lay that principle over the story of my commencement speech, what I hear is that the perceived judgments from other people were merely a lack of confidence in myself. No one was actually thinking about me. In fact, if I were to ask even a handful of classmates in attendance that day, I can bet they won’t remember what the speech was about or even that it was me who gave the address. Why? Because they were all there going through the motions of receiving a certificate for their degree, and worried about not falling while walking across the stage, or how many people would celebrate for them when their name was called, or were already at the after party in their minds.

The same is also true when I give a workshop or teach a class. Participants are there to learn and seek something. I am merely a channel for the information they desire, a source of relief from their own suffering, or just a chance to learn something new. Outside of that, if they have a problem with how I’m dressed or how I deliver information, those thoughts are not about me at all. So I work to not be bothered by it.

We spend so much time in other people’s business, and it’s debilitating us. We are afraid to put ourselves out there in relationships or opportunities because we fear what other people might think of us. What have you missed by being so worried about what other people think?

I see this play out all the time in my work. When someone in a workshop rolls their eyes at a concept or dismisses an idea before trying it, the resistance is rarely about the idea itself. It's about what the idea is asking them to confront within themselves. The judgment is never really about me.

We are all so uniquely different, and that is the beauty of humanity. The plain truth, people are spending their time thinking about themselves.

I implore you to let your light shine because when you get down the road and look back on the moment, other people will not remember what you said or did, but you will be proud that you found the courage … because no one is thinking about you.

May your days be forever wild,

Abby